What About Your Friends?

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It is common for us to initially and exclusively associate concepts such as dysfunction and emotional abuse with romantic relationships. However, it is true that these behaviors are just as (if not more) prevalent in platonic relationships as well. We believe that it is easy to condemn and pity the woman who allows her boyfriend to mock the circumference of her thighs or the quality of her outfit, but we are all uncomfortably silent when asked to respond to the idea that an individual with whom we are not in a romantic relationship is more than capable of committing the same offense. One of the most common issues that I hear about from both men and women is dysfunction or unhappiness within a friendship, yet we pepper our vocabularies with comforting colloquialisms ("boys/girls come and go, but friends are forever," "chicks before dicks," etc.) that are meant to help assure ourselves of the correctness of our ideological stance. However, sometimes these phrases work against us, functioning as harmful justifications for the persistence of a damaged or psychologically damaging friendship.

It is, naturally, a given that romantic relationships are brief and transient segments in the much larger picture of our lives-- lives in which healthy, loving friendships are often capable of transcending time and distance. However, it is also true that some friendships are simply not meant to last forever, constituting of individuals bound by circumstance rather than mutual admiration and respect.

In an ideal world, pairs or groups of friends are drawn to each other because of common interests or struggles, and they form platonic relationships that are based on equality and genuine concern. However, it is unfortunately common that many friendships-- especially in the early years of nascent adulthood when our permanent identities are not yet fully formed-- are based on imbalances of power or a need for internal validation. Toxic friendships can easily be identified by this skewed power dynamic, as well as one individual's need to control or manipulate another person. These relationships ultimately end up being a drain on your resources, abilities, and emotional and psychological ability, and they ruthlessly consume valuable time that you could have spent investing in yourself or other healthy relationships.

If you are having trouble deciding whether or not your friendship could be classified as "toxic," here are eleven questions that you can ask yourself about the state of your friendship:

1) Do you find that you are learning or growing as a person as a result of this friendship?

2) Do you feel that this person regularly and intentionally makes you feel inferior about your body,
appearance, clothes, makeup, socioeconomic status, race, or life/intellectual choices?

3) Do you feel that you are being used or taken advantage of either economically, socially, or physically?

4) Does this person truly understand and and respect your social, political, religious, intellectual, or sexual choices or beliefs (you don't necessarily have to agree completely on every topic, but it is important that there is some degree of mutual understanding)?

5) If you are a person of color, do you feel that you are being presented as the "token ________ (insert minority group) friend"?
      -Sub question: If so, do you feel that this person uses your ethnicity as an pass to make racially  questionable (read: racist) remarks or as a way to sexually objectify other members of your ethnic group?

6) Could you see yourself simply spending a quiet evening alone with this person and actually enjoying yourself? Would you still want to spend time with this person without the distraction of a bar, a club, loud music, or drinking?

7) Does this person truly want you to succeed in your academic and business endeavors? Or does he/she actively work against you and your dreams?

8) Does this person truly want you to succeed in your personal and romantic endeavors? Or do you find that this person makes a concerted effort to hinder you from dating and entering relationships?

9) Do you and this person find that you are constantly trying to one-up each other (i.e.- with demonstrations of wealth, clothing, makeup, relationships, etc.)? And if you "lose," do you view yourself more negatively as an individual?

10) Is your friendship based on an equal and mutually beneficial system of give-and-take, or do you find yourself constantly donating your own time and energy to solve this person's problems with no expectation of receiving the same care in return?

11) How does being around this person actually make you feel? More specifically, after hanging out with this person, do you feel good about yourself, or do you suddenly think that you've been made to feel inadequate or less confident?

As much as we are all loath to see the deluge of "New Year, New Me!" posts on every single one of our social media accounts, the sentiment is still incredibly valid and useful as we either consciously or subconsciously begin to decide our personal and professional life trajectories for 2015. A new year can be viewed as a valuable opportunity to start fresh again with a clean slate, and as we rush to make our (at best, temporary) resolutions to improve our physical health, it is also imperative that any detrimental factors to your emotional or psychological health are examined and evaluated as well.

Besides, life's too short to be friends with Regina George.